Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
