Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
