Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
