All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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