dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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