maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
