Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
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Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
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I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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