I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
