I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
