walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize