I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
