I wish they made helmets for livers.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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