I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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