My underwear smells like fireworks.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
