please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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