this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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