Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
