Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
