theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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