you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The feeling are messing with the penis
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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