She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
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On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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