meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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