like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
