I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
