Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just invented taco cereal.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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