I will die if light touches me.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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