just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
