Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
