What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
