I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
