I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
