Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
