He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You dont lie about slip and slides
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
