hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
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Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
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So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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