Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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