i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
