so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
