If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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