At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
