I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
