Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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