Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
