I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
