1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
