I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
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