You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Hippo gnu deer
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
