Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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