My hand turned me down
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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