he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
