i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
