He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
