walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
