Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
