i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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