I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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